Do you need further proof that Donald Rumsfeld had no business planning America’s war strategy in Afghanistan?

Today’s movie makes it more than clear that American troops–while totally prepared to kick Taliban butt–had absolutely no training in slaying 60-foot-long man-eating worms! Leave it to Rummy to screw up man-eating-worm combat training.

“Sand Serpents” is an epic cinematic achievement blending “Saving Private Ryan” with “Tremors.”

Lt. Richard Stanley (Jason Gedrick) leads his platoon on a mission to scout out a mining operation in a remote part of Taliban-controlled Afghanistan. Along for the hike is Capt. Jen Henle (Tamara Hope) of the U.S. Army Corps of Engineers. If the mine was abandoned, you better believe the U.S. would exploit it for precious gems.

Everything goes swimmingly right up until they’re ambushed by the Taliban and taken prisoner. (I would also like to point out that Rummy failed to teach these guys how to shoot. While armed with machine guns and protected by steel girders and good foxholes, the Americans in this movie can’t hit Taliban fighters crossing open ground 20 feet away. Even I know that when in doubt, hold down the trigger and spray the area at waist height and you’ll be sure to at least wound somebody.)

Things look up when the explosives from their skirmish wake up some giant sand serpents, which eat all of the Taliban fighters.

Buuuuut, you can imagine that 4 gargantuan flesh-eating worms won’t be satisfied for long with a meal of only about a dozen guys.

It is impossible not to draw comparisons to “Tremors,” which starred Kevin Bacon and an all-star ’80s cast. You know it’ll even be stood up against “Beetlejuice” and “Men in Black II.” What is it about filmmakers and big, toothy worms? Doc Freud would have a field day!

The biggest difference between the 3 aforementioned films and “Sand Serpents” is that the other 3 played it for camp and comedy. “Sand Serpents” tries to play it straight. It’s not bad, but they totally blow a good opportunity to really go crazy on an Army vs. Giant Afghan Worms picture.

You still have fun. They do try to get in some good groaners. After their first worm encounter: “So, we just opened up a giant can of worms.” Or perhaps a nod to “Return of the Jedi“: “I’m not gonna get digested in some giant maggot.”

My two favorite characters were Sgt. Wilson and Pvt. Eno. Unfortunately, as they are black and in a B-movie, you can imagine how long they last.

Tamara Hope as the captain is my next favorite. At first I confused her for the bad-@$$ babe who was armed to the teeth in “Dead Noon.”

The worm FX are pretty good for a low-budget action-horror flick. The budget didn’t allow for much gore, although there is some good worm vaporization. The best FX came when a worm snatched a helicopter from the sky and wrestled it to earth! It is a little reminiscent of a similar scene in “Wyvern,” but they could very well have been made around the same time. So I won’t cry plagiarism just yet. It is a sick effect.

Surprisingly, the film really seems to nail the complexities of the conflict in Afghanistan. You have civilians trapped between the U.S. and the insurgents. You have mountain bunker networks. You even have white actors speaking Middle Eastern languages.

I won’t tell you it was as good as “Tremors,” but there are far worse ways for B-movie fans to spend 90 minutes.