Let’s see. Remote wilderness cabin…near a remote lake…teenage debauchery…bloody violence…co-produced by Sean Cunningham…

I know! It must be “Friday the 13th Part XLVII”!

Wrong! It’s the remake of “The Last House on the Left“! Wes Craven was the other co-producer.

Once again, ultraviolence rules the screen. Bad boy Krug is sprung from police custody by his brother Frank and his bi-sexual exhibitionist girlfriend Sadie. Back at the Bat Cave, Krug’s teenage son Justin talks Mari and Paige into coming to the family hideout hotel room. Horny, pot-smoking fun goes awry when SocioDad and his droogs return to roost. Next thing you know, they wreck Mari’s car in the woods near her summer vacation home. Paige is repeatedly knifed, and Krug violently rapes Mari with the help of his uniquely understanding girlfriend. Mari takes advantage of Krug’s post-rape afterglow and makes a run for the lake where she puts her world-class swimming skills to test. Too bad, bullets move faster. She’s hit in the back, and a storm forces the criminals to leave her for dead and find shelter…at Mari’s home.

Justin helps Mari’s mom and dad figure out what happened, and mom and dad get medieval on the baddies. There’s some righteous retribution, let me tell ya, especially after Mari drags herself home.

In 1972, Wes Craven created the original “Last House on the Left.” At that time, it was the most ground-breakingly disturbing movie ever made. It had true shock value. No one had ever witnessed such onscreen violence before.

These days–and especially with a remake–it has all been done before. So what’s left to improve on? Production values and FX.

With the exception of the opening scene murders and Sadie’s random urges to go topless, you can pretty much skip the whole first half of the movie. Do we really need much back story on throwaway characters we can’t wait to see die in creative ways. The violence really gets started with the clandestine car wreck in the woods. Sadie is scorched by a car lighter and Frank’s nose is broken. (What modern vehicle actually comes with a lighter these days?)

Mari’s rape is too real to be anything other than really disturbing. (When is rape ever funny? Divine raping himself/herself in drag in “Female Trouble” is about the only time.) And Paige’s subsequent stabbing is too fake. The torso model looks as if the gang is stabbing a clay prop, which it probably is stabbing.

The good stuff starts with Mari’s escape. This girl swims like a freakin’ torpedo. The underwater shots are great as bullets come flying in around her. Back at Mari’s place the body count ratchets up with great scenes involving close ups of Frank’s nose being stitched up, a hand in a garbage disposal unit, a claw hammer to the back of the head, gun shots, knifings, beatings with a fire extinguisher, Sadie’s topless battle to the death and more. (A topless death match? Really? No, I’m not into gratuitous toplessness, but the ridiculousness of a chick going topless into a knife-and-shower-curtain-rod fight is a different matter. It starts breaking a film from serious horror to camp.) Mari’s dad is a doctor who performs emergency surgery to drain blood from his baby’s lungs. Oh, oh! And my favorite is death by head exploding in a microwave oven. Who knows if it is possible in real life, but I was laughing pretty hard and enjoying the scene in the movie.

The whole last half hour rocks! If you’re a gore fan, you won’t want to pass up “The Last House on the Left.”

P.S. I finished “Dexter: Season 3.” Jimmy Smits was awesome–easily the best part of the whole season. Enjoy.