Sharpen your survival knives and load those guns for bear, boys and girls. We’re headed into the “Backwoods.”

When an officeload of co-workers go on a corporate paintball retreat, they get a lot more than they bargained for when they break into a private forest.

What exactly do they get into? Think of it as a cross between “Deliverance” and that X-Files episode where there’s an evil Neanderthal hillbilly family led by a mom with no legs.

Of the 8 co-workers going on the retreat, 2 are girly girls, 4 guys are brain-dead jocks, one guy is nice and has a brain and one is a black guy with a brain trying really hard to play a stereotype of a black man without a brain. He almost convinces you by all of the times he repeats “Now that’s what I’m talkin’ about.” (Fortunately, in spite of the best efforts of the script, the power of his grey matter shines through in the last 45 minutes of the film.)

The hillbillies in this one are members of a religious cult that cooks meth and hates the government. Despite what appears to be enough women in the cult, they need more breeding stock and prey upon wayward campers–killing the men and keeping the women. At least that’s what their mama tells them to do–and you don’t mess with mama. If she ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy.

As you can imagine, the paintball expedition doesn’t go so well. The survivors have to develop a whole new set of team-building skills to survive. Now that’s what I’m talkin’ about.

If you like movies about blood-thirsty hillbillies, this is so right up your neck of the woods.

Me, I’m left wondering if there is a special school for victims that teaches them how to not walk.

I’ve seen a lot of horror movies in my short life, and it never fails to amaze me how otherwise coordinated and intelligent adults suddenly forget how to walk or run when chased by sadistic killers. Oddly, the slower the killer moves, the more a victim falls. Where are these people in the real world?

Well, clearly, they are all dead, but just imagine what the world would be like if they were still alive.

Picture your next trip to Mickey D’s. Everywhere you look there are people stumbling and falling every 10 steps. Big Macs and Happy Meals are raining down on the floor. It would be messy but hilarious.

You can also imagine the NBA Championships with millionaire players doing all they can to stay upright. Of course, the game would never start, as the networks would have to wait for 30,000 fans to fall all over themselves just trying to find their seats.

What does any of that have to do with this movie? Oh, you’ll know by the first scene.

Anyhow. If you’re lookin’ for beautiful California wilderness, babes in bikinis, guys with paintball guns and Neanderthal hillbillies, “Backwoods” ought to hit the spot!